Book Club / Writing I don’t know us anymore We were fighting for something that wasn’t the same any more. August 11, 2022
Book Club / Writing food for thought I bury the thought entirely, like you might one day bury me. August 10, 2022
Book Club / Writing why did you only tell me? I never thought you’d be different, never gave you that much credit. August 10, 2022
Writing Everything and nothing An extract from a developing novel I began at university. April 9, 2020
![[TW: EDs]
Back with my quarterly long caption 😇
As the mornings get brighter and it starts to get a little warmer, I feel the panic set in. The winter layers slowly removed, I suddenly feel my skin again for the first time in a while.
As I’ve gotten older it’s become rare I cry over my body, but that doesn’t mean it takes up any less of my mental capacity. It’s sad isn’t it. So much wasted attention and energy on something so wildly insignificant as a few extra pounds, but it sits like a dull ache on my chest and permeates everything I do. I say this, because I know I’m not alone in this feeling. From the moment I wake up, to the time I go to sleep it’s on my mind. Food, drink, clothing, every reflective surface I walk past.
And whilst I feel uncomfortable in my skin, I’m at an age where it simply cannot be everything I think about constantly. I can’t sit and ruminate like I did when I was sixteen, making weight-loss, training and calorie counting my soul focus and goal. Even saying this feels like excuses and that I should work harder. But our relationship with our bodies is such a nuanced thing and I think it’s an important one to discuss.
That being said, whilst I feel lost and my old mindset is spiralling, this body is also the strongest and fittest it’s ever been in its life. I’m purely obsessed with an aesthetic goal force fed to us over the last decade through trends and fads & when I spent a long time trying to starve myself, to now be bigger and holding more muscle than ever is complicated. Ironically I will forever admire and be inspired by strong women in every single capacity, so it’s tough that we never allow ourselves that same grace.
My point: last week we hit our top heavy singles. CrossFit holds a big stigma and a lot of people told me I’d lose strength switching, but if anything I’ve become stronger and more rounded.
I PBd my deadlift at 165kg, almost matched my squat at 140kg (definitely could’ve PBd with more time) and wasn’t far off my bench after years without properly training it with a solid 70kg.
To conclude because I’ve run out of words. Bodies fluctuate. Your weight cannot and should not take up your entire headspace.](https://hannahvrose.com/wp-content/plugins/instagram-feed/img/placeholder.png)
